Emotional Arrhythmia

I’m sure everyone has a little voice in their head that is the voice of reason. The one that advises you through situations, trying to help you avoid regrettable decisions. It reminds you that you aren’t desperate enough to chase after a man who just isn't that into you, or selfish enough to spread a friend’s secret. Essentially, it’s the good person in us. The honorable, goal oriented, selfless confidant version of US we all strive to be but have managed to drown out enough times to get us into trouble. As much as I try, some days are a struggle to stay on track and not get derailed by loneliness.

Recently I think my inner “good person” has started to have an erratic heart beat. One day I feel like she consumes me and her intense drive is the perfect compass directing me to the best decisions. Then there are other days when she lays flat, barely moving, allowing me to say or do things without considering the consequences. Is it normal to be a good person 70% of the time and then the other 30% be lazy, dramatic and generally unpleasant?

My "good person" voice is background noise I can easily ignore if I really want to.  I keep myself as busy as possible to hold me over from one week to the next and even though I’m on the course I want to be on….it’s lonely out here. I spend a lot of my free time with my server friends, and if you know anything about the life of a full time server, you know that they stay up late and drink a lot. They flirt with each other constantly and spend a lot of time complaining about guests. I am not a full time server. I actually have to be in the office by 8:30 am during the week, so I really should not even try to hang with these young servers, but I do....a lot actually.  I think I spend so much time with them to avoid being alone. Most of them are single and are still searching for their place in life. In that respect, we have a lot in common, but our life experience is so different. I really should be passed this point in my life. I've already been through the server years of going out all the time and flirting with anyone who gave me the time of day. Emotionally and mentally I'm in the same frame of mind as my best friends; ready to start the next chapter of my life...the grown up one.

I am very lucky to have a number of very close girl friends, but as I see their lives coming together, it makes it more painful to look around and realize how much I don't have. As they are planning weddings and staying up all night with infants, I can't help but be slightly jealous. I am older than most of my friends, but so behind them when it comes to starting a family. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond happy for all of the gifts I have in my life, just ready to be at the point where my friends are...or at least a little closer.

Recently, a bunch of my girl friends and I stayed out in the middle of no where to spend some relaxing quality time together. The first night of the weekend, we were sitting around the big table drinking our drinks of choice and discussing weddings and babies. Most of the girls present were either married, engaged or in a long term relationship heading straight for the alter. Of these six girls, one is pregnant, three hope to be in 2012 and the other two plan to be pregnant after their inevitable walk to the alter. They were all discussing how they want to be pregnant at the same time and essentially dividing up into teams. Baby baring teams. That is when I got up and brought my big Bota Box of Malbec to the table to make constant refilling easier. I was not assigned to a baby baring team because you need a freaking boyfriend to even begin to play this make-believe, white picketed fence, long term fairy tale planning game. So...I sat there drinking my wine like it was Gatorade after 10k. I tried so hard to giggle and seem interested, maybe even appear amused by their conversation, but I found myself going to a dark, condescending and snarky place.

Jealousy can lead you down a very bitter and lonely road that I know can be a path if I'm not careful. I remember asking my sister once if I was a selfish hooker for being jealous of my friends, and her response was classic. She said, "of course you're being selfish. If you weren't I'd know we weren't really sisters and that joke we told you about the milk man would have been true." Luckily, that inner "good person" voice eventually kicked in and I found away to stop being a Sourpuss Sally. I joined in the conversation, because the truth is, seeing my friends happy really does bring me tremendous joy. I want this for them and I'm happy they want to share this transition in their lives with me. They just better be ready to assign baby baring teams when it's my turn....even if they are going through menopause by that time.