Lets Not Waste Each Other's Time

Over the last few weeks, I've been spending time with a bartender at a restaurant across the parking lot from where I work. He is also a regular at our store so we have had the same friends in common for a while now. It's only been within the last month that he has been going out for drinks with us and two weeks ago we started spending time alone. He is a wonderful guy and really has a lot to offer someone, but I'm pretty sure I knew right away that I wouldn't be that girl. After two weeks of getting to know him better, I stand firm in my initial decision that even though he is a good guy, he isn't going to be MY guy.

I'm proud of the way I handled this situation. I was very honest and never lead him to believe I was deeper into this relationship than I really was. The bottom line is that we are too different. I will openly admit all the ways we differ, but please don't misunderstand this as me making fun of him, I hold him in my highest respects which is why I am not letting him waste his time on me.

I am a tall curvy woman who has plenty of body image issues. With that being said, I feel the sexiest, safest and most comfortable around men that are taller and thicker than me. If it is the other way around, my body issues are WAY WORSE. This particular man is at least 3 inches shorter than me and as much as I'd like to be one of those women who don't care....I'm just not. I feel HUGE around him. He stayed the night with me three times and all we did was cuddle (seriously, no hanky panky). But, because of the height and body type differences, I was not comfortable cuddling at all. I only fell asleep by not touching him which seems to defeat the purpose of him being there to begin with. The way I like to cuddle is by snuggling up beside a man whose long and strong arm holds me while I  fall asleep on his chest. That scenario really just isn't an option with him.

I am a music lover through and through, but I am the first to admit that I do not love all music. Generally, if there is screaming or incomprehensible lyrics, I'm not going to like it. I know plenty of people do like it and have good reasons for it Maybe like it to hype them up for a game or to work out to, but to me, all it is a screaming and just horrible all around. Of course the bartender loves such music. I think he especially likes heavy metal and industrial music. Even though I don't think I really know what industrial music is, if he is pairing it with metal I'm 99% sure I couldn't handle it.  Being able to tolerate each others music and have some kind of joint appreciation is pretty important to me. I would love to have someone open my mind to new music that I eventually fall in love with, but I already know I can not stand the screaming shit.

I walked into his apartment last night and it was honestly the final piece into who he was that solidified our mismatch. He had Star Wars figurines still in the packaging on display on his living room bookshelf. He had a lot of artwork of mystical anime type characters on most of his walls and a skull with one eye on his bottom shelf. He is a big gamer and has over thirty friends on his X-Box. I'm not judging, but I just don't know how to relate to people who spend that much time playing games.


He has a wonderful relationship with his sister and it is clear that they care deeply about each other. That is always a great thing to see since I hold family so near and dear to my heart. His parents have been married for over forty years and he seems to come from a strong and loving family. All of that is really just amazing but one of the things he has in common with his sister, is that they both like to dress in Gothic clothing and go to parties that way. Black from head to toe with back eye liner and lipstick. I know everyone has their interests and maybe people think it's crazy that I have cowboy boots and a hat.....but there isn't ONE LITTLE PART of me that is attracted to a man in black eye liner and lipstick. Of course, he doesn't dress like this all the time or anything, but still the type of person that EVER would is really just not my kind of guy.

In a polite way, I did tell him all this last night. It's not easy to say these things to someone who cares about you knowing all the ways you are different from them and not caring. Apparently us being so physically different as well as having completely different interests doesn't seem to phase him. What worries me about all that though, is that he mentioned how lonely and slightly desperate he was to be in a relationship. That is not a good combination. He has a lot of self discovery to get through and just being in a relationship with SOMEONE isn't going to help him through this phase in his life.  I will remain his friend and I really hope he gets back in school and starts to rebuild his life because I think it will give him the confidence he needs to find a woman who will actually complement him and share in all his interests, because I'm clearly not that girl.

Let's Go Back to 1950

Ask your parents about their first date. It most likely went something like this; your Dad called your mother and asked to take her to dinner and maybe a movie, they agreed on a time and he drove to her house and picked her up. He would pay for both activities, and if he was lucky, he might hold her hand or get a kiss on the cheek at the end of the night. Your Dad called and repeated a similar evening the next weekend, and so on. Your Dad didn't flirt with her at a bar all night and give her his number with this instructions to text him sometime. He didn't text her late at night after a couple drinks to just have idle flirty banter. He would never have only asked to see her at a bar with lots of other people with no intentions of even buying her one drink. And he most certainly didn't kiss your mother with no further intentions to act on seeing her again. Men these days are lazy, broke and egotistical. I don't know if I'm more mad at myself for playing along and pretty much just taking what I can get when I've always known in my heart it hasn't been good enough or if I'm mad at the men for being so damn douchey! So I've decided to put my foot down. I have created a new check list,  you could even call it my commandments of self respect.

I will only give out my number with the instructions that I expect a call, not a text, as our first communication. The last few men I have been attracted to, flirt with me and give me the impression that things are going on the right track. By the end of the night he asks for my number and immediately calls it to make sure he had it right. Then, either later that night, or within the next day or two the texts start. "Hey this is whoever, we met the other night. How are you today." This normal conversation goes on and on for days! I know I'm a very busy person and don't always have the opportunity to talk on the phone, BUT I think if a guy is really interested he will. He will ask for the best time to call and chat. Even if that chat is basically a conversation about scheduling a date....that takes 3 minutes tops! I don't think men can even try to say that texting is easier because of fear of rejection because I already gave you my freakin' number. Obviously I'm interested! What could you possibly be nervous about? Grow up, be a man and ask me out properly. In that same respect, I can not let guys get away with NOT calling.

I will never initiate a call or text conversation. If I haven't crossed his mind naturally, I'm not going to reach out and misinterpret his response as him thinking about me. I know women are much more independent these days, and for the most part, I am one of them, but I just don't trust men anymore to be honest. Sure he got my number, sure there was flirting and maybe even some kissing, but if the only time I hear from him is after I reach out first, then I'm just REMINDING him of me. I don't want to have to remind anyone of me. I want to be important enough or at least intriguing enough to not leave his mind at all. Being forgettable is fundamentally crushing and I'm tired of setting my self up to be merely a reminder.

People who are attracted to each other go on dates, people who are using each other for physical comfort come over late after drinking.  I have no intention of using or being used so I will never misinterpret coming over late to watch a movie as a real date. Now, I understand that times are a little tough these days and we might all be pinching our pennies a little more than usual and maybe a date in is really the only option. I get that, but make it special! Clean the house, cook dinner and have an activity that took planning. Not just a movie, cause you can't talk during a movie. I think "do you want to come over and watch a movie" is usually code for "wanna come over and not talk to me while I try to sleep with you."

This is fair warning boys, I'm tired of your lazy and selfish behavior and I'm pretty sure most single women will agree with me on this. Grow the hell up and treat us with respect! Say what you mean and make good on what you say. Stop playing games and just go back to the tried and true successfully method of NORMAL DATES! And women, we need to demand better. If we keep letting men slide by with this behavior they will just keep doing it. Let's put our foot down and agree to make these guys work a little harder and us hold out longer!

Have We Run Our Course?

I've always been a believer in God putting people in my life right when I need them, but one thing I've had a harder time trusting, is that they all aren't meant to be permanent. The journey some friends share with us is a lot shorter than others, and that can be hard to accept. Sometimes the function of a particular friend is to help you through a tough spot in your life, and after you've moved past it, the friendship just isn't AS needed.  When they were once the person you couldn't possibly live without, they start to be the person you hardly speak to. Though it is a natural course of life, it does pull at the heart strings when you can see in their eyes that they don't need you like they used to. That avoiding your disappointment or protecting your feelings is just not top priority anymore.

I'm in the mist of a friendship adaptation that took two years to bend to where we are now. We leaned on each other for every emotional comfort, and each time, it bent our relationship a little more. We told each other everything and were the significant "other" in each others lives. We never dated but we were often the others "plus one" when needed. I know he is stronger now and I see that I am not as important as I used to be...and maybe it's the same way for me too. I trust that we will always be important to each other, but over the last month or so I have seen the change between us. Maybe we know each other TOO well and learned things we don't like. Or maybe we resent the other for knowing our insecurities. I can't exactly put my finger on it...but we are definitely different.

Sunday night I tried to have a serious conversation where I had hoped we'd save our friendship. I had the whole conversation scripted out in my head and when he didn't take my queue and read his lines....a part of my heart sank. He didn't try at all...not really. Not the way he would have a year ago. He just sat there and then, when I had said all the lines I rehearsed and he still hadn't recited his...I left. He never even got off the couch, took the laptop off his lap or turned the football game off. Who was this man? Clearly not the same man who begged me not to think about moving home because he didn't want to be here without me. Clearly not the same man that calls me family. How does a relationship change that dramatically? The only way I can effectively wrap my brain around this is that maybe my journey with him has begun to come to an end. Maybe we don't need each other anymore. As upsetting as that thought is to me...I honestly can't think of any other reason why he didn't even TRY. Instead, he just said a few weak sentences and starred at the muted Dallas game. Guess it was polite of him to mute the game at least! When I walked out, I was disappointed in him but did feel relived that I said what I needed to say. Proud that I was a grown up and didn't sweep anything under the rug. Maybe this will help me move on. Maybe not feeling so needed will let me have the freedom to try new things; take a new path. Maybe this was God's plan all along.