If a Man Wants You

This is an article posted by, Salma Rumman. 
I liked it so much I wanted to post it as well! I have found myself in each of this positions in the past and it's nice to hear I made the right choices...eventually!


If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn’t want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that’s not meant to be.
Slower is better.
Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve
then heck no, you can’t "be friends."
A friend wouldn’t mistreat a friend.
Don’t settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don’t stay because you think "it will get better." You’ll be mad at yourself
a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who’ve got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.
He didn’t marry them when he got them pregnant,
Why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.
If something bothers you, speak up.
Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
You cannot change a man’s behavior. Change comes from within.
Don’t EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has
more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god.
He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else’s man.
Oh Lord!  If he cheated with you, he’ll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you allow him to treat you.
All men are not dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two-way street.
You need time to heal between relationships...There is nothing cute about
baggage. Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
You should never look for someone to complete you. A relationship consists
of two whole individuals. Look for someone complimentary, not supplementary.
Dating is fun; even if he doesn’t turn out to be Mr. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes. When a man always know where you are, and you’re
always readily available to him—he takes it for granted.
Don’t fully commit to a man who doesn’t give you everything that you need.
Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

Can We Be More Like The Bravermans?

I have felt like writing a lot recently but when I pull up a blank page, I type a sentence that would start an idea...and then I  just delete it. I've systematically gone through those steps a least 4 times the last month and I finally figured out why I can't stick to an idea. Every topic I began to write about...wasn't really what I was thinking about. The words just wouldn't come, and I'm tired of skirting around the issue.

I have recently been engrossed in catching up on two shows, Brothers & Sisters and Parenthood. If you don't know either of these shows, I can fill you in very simply. Both dramas have to do with incredibly close,  meddlesome, overbearing, honest and overwhelmingly loving families. The kind of families that tell the truth even when it hurts because it's the right thing to do. The kinds of bonds that last through basic sibling jealousy, divorce and even death. Even though I know these are fictional families with made up issues, I can relate to them. The family dynamics of the Walker and Braverman families are very similar to most American families...but we aren't required to settle or solve our issues in the length of an episode or season.

Every sibling in a family has a different perspective and ultimately a different role. It is human nature for a parent to hover over a first born. Worry about every little thing and celebrate every milestone. The more children that are added to the family, the more responsibility is placed on the oldest sibling; multiply that by twenty in a single parent home. How can a parent absolutely treat every child the same? The love is equally as strong for each, but there are so many factors that can effect how each child is treated..and with that, can mean sibling rivalry.

I always justified that members of my family protected me and told me their opinions, even when it hurt, because they love me. Because, their ultimate goal was and always will be for my happiness. I was always sure that it was just in a person's nature to look out for the youngest in the family. From my perspective, my view of our family dynamic has always been positive! Growing up, the fear of disappointing my mother was the worst punishment I could think of and I desperately avoided it at all costs. The need to be cool, fun and simply visible to my older sisters was the only other equal. I wanted to do everything my sisters did. I absolutely idolized them, and I honestly didn't realize how much of my life I made mirror theirs. Music, sports, teaching, writing....etc. Maybe it's not fair how high of a pedestal I placed them on...but as the youngest, I assume that's common.

On my Graduation day from Towson, both of my sisters wrote very amazing words about me. Ann Marie's note I have framed in my living room because they mean so much to me. The way they saw me on that day, and hopefully still do, absolutely shocked me. I never thought for one minute that they could look up to me in anyway, considering I still have a stiff neck from a lifetime of looking up to them. But what I learned starting from that day, was that not only was I always visible, but that who I was actually DID have an impact on them. I know that sounds silly to not have really noticed til then, but I honestly just didn't really get it.

Being a family is a lot more complicated the older you get. Your parents don't arrange the family get togethers and don't insist you call your grandmother. You aren't obligated to share holidays with the entire family and after so many years of sweeping little things under the rug for fear of creating drama, the reasoning seems exhausting. So avoidance tends to be the best and seemly preferred action. And even though I resort to avoidance for things like the check engine light being on and the gym in general, I am not a supporter of avoiding family. I have always been the kind of person that actually NEEDS to address and resolve, as best as possible, any confrontation right away. As a hormonal pre-teen I usually didn't express myself with any grace and most certainly yelled and cried. Actually, that may have continued through my early twenties as well. But eventually, I did get a handle on my emotions. I can calmly discuss, with out blame or condescension, my opinion and sometimes defense. This is actually a huge accomplishment I can completely attribute to therapy. Yet another reason everyone should have a therapist. Therefore, I am no "under the rug sweeper"! I want to storm in, completely unannounced, like Sarah from Brothers & Sister and say exactly what needs to be said without any fear of the consequences. I want to give my opinion, without it being asked for, like Crosby from Parenthood and know that I've been heard and my view was at least considered.

Being a close family is messy...there is no doubt about it. We mess up, let each other down and say things we can't unsay. We choose sides, take advantage and most definitely over step. But sweeping our messes under a rug does not clean anything. All it really does is create resentment and distance between the people who truly love each other unconditionally. My incredibly passionate, creative, inspiring and opinionated family is the exact combination of people I could ever dream up to love impermeably. No obstacles or boundaries placed in front of me will ever change that. So I guess in that respect, I could call myself an honorary Braverman.

Have We Run Our Course?

I've always been a believer in God putting people in my life right when I need them, but one thing I've had a harder time trusting, is that they all aren't meant to be permanent. The journey some friends share with us is a lot shorter than others, and that can be hard to accept. Sometimes the function of a particular friend is to help you through a tough spot in your life, and after you've moved past it, the friendship just isn't AS needed.  When they were once the person you couldn't possibly live without, they start to be the person you hardly speak to. Though it is a natural course of life, it does pull at the heart strings when you can see in their eyes that they don't need you like they used to. That avoiding your disappointment or protecting your feelings is just not top priority anymore.

I'm in the mist of a friendship adaptation that took two years to bend to where we are now. We leaned on each other for every emotional comfort, and each time, it bent our relationship a little more. We told each other everything and were the significant "other" in each others lives. We never dated but we were often the others "plus one" when needed. I know he is stronger now and I see that I am not as important as I used to be...and maybe it's the same way for me too. I trust that we will always be important to each other, but over the last month or so I have seen the change between us. Maybe we know each other TOO well and learned things we don't like. Or maybe we resent the other for knowing our insecurities. I can't exactly put my finger on it...but we are definitely different.

Sunday night I tried to have a serious conversation where I had hoped we'd save our friendship. I had the whole conversation scripted out in my head and when he didn't take my queue and read his lines....a part of my heart sank. He didn't try at all...not really. Not the way he would have a year ago. He just sat there and then, when I had said all the lines I rehearsed and he still hadn't recited his...I left. He never even got off the couch, took the laptop off his lap or turned the football game off. Who was this man? Clearly not the same man who begged me not to think about moving home because he didn't want to be here without me. Clearly not the same man that calls me family. How does a relationship change that dramatically? The only way I can effectively wrap my brain around this is that maybe my journey with him has begun to come to an end. Maybe we don't need each other anymore. As upsetting as that thought is to me...I honestly can't think of any other reason why he didn't even TRY. Instead, he just said a few weak sentences and starred at the muted Dallas game. Guess it was polite of him to mute the game at least! When I walked out, I was disappointed in him but did feel relived that I said what I needed to say. Proud that I was a grown up and didn't sweep anything under the rug. Maybe this will help me move on. Maybe not feeling so needed will let me have the freedom to try new things; take a new path. Maybe this was God's plan all along.

Emotional Arrhythmia

I’m sure everyone has a little voice in their head that is the voice of reason. The one that advises you through situations, trying to help you avoid regrettable decisions. It reminds you that you aren’t desperate enough to chase after a man who just isn't that into you, or selfish enough to spread a friend’s secret. Essentially, it’s the good person in us. The honorable, goal oriented, selfless confidant version of US we all strive to be but have managed to drown out enough times to get us into trouble. As much as I try, some days are a struggle to stay on track and not get derailed by loneliness.

Recently I think my inner “good person” has started to have an erratic heart beat. One day I feel like she consumes me and her intense drive is the perfect compass directing me to the best decisions. Then there are other days when she lays flat, barely moving, allowing me to say or do things without considering the consequences. Is it normal to be a good person 70% of the time and then the other 30% be lazy, dramatic and generally unpleasant?

My "good person" voice is background noise I can easily ignore if I really want to.  I keep myself as busy as possible to hold me over from one week to the next and even though I’m on the course I want to be on….it’s lonely out here. I spend a lot of my free time with my server friends, and if you know anything about the life of a full time server, you know that they stay up late and drink a lot. They flirt with each other constantly and spend a lot of time complaining about guests. I am not a full time server. I actually have to be in the office by 8:30 am during the week, so I really should not even try to hang with these young servers, but I do....a lot actually.  I think I spend so much time with them to avoid being alone. Most of them are single and are still searching for their place in life. In that respect, we have a lot in common, but our life experience is so different. I really should be passed this point in my life. I've already been through the server years of going out all the time and flirting with anyone who gave me the time of day. Emotionally and mentally I'm in the same frame of mind as my best friends; ready to start the next chapter of my life...the grown up one.

I am very lucky to have a number of very close girl friends, but as I see their lives coming together, it makes it more painful to look around and realize how much I don't have. As they are planning weddings and staying up all night with infants, I can't help but be slightly jealous. I am older than most of my friends, but so behind them when it comes to starting a family. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond happy for all of the gifts I have in my life, just ready to be at the point where my friends are...or at least a little closer.

Recently, a bunch of my girl friends and I stayed out in the middle of no where to spend some relaxing quality time together. The first night of the weekend, we were sitting around the big table drinking our drinks of choice and discussing weddings and babies. Most of the girls present were either married, engaged or in a long term relationship heading straight for the alter. Of these six girls, one is pregnant, three hope to be in 2012 and the other two plan to be pregnant after their inevitable walk to the alter. They were all discussing how they want to be pregnant at the same time and essentially dividing up into teams. Baby baring teams. That is when I got up and brought my big Bota Box of Malbec to the table to make constant refilling easier. I was not assigned to a baby baring team because you need a freaking boyfriend to even begin to play this make-believe, white picketed fence, long term fairy tale planning game. So...I sat there drinking my wine like it was Gatorade after 10k. I tried so hard to giggle and seem interested, maybe even appear amused by their conversation, but I found myself going to a dark, condescending and snarky place.

Jealousy can lead you down a very bitter and lonely road that I know can be a path if I'm not careful. I remember asking my sister once if I was a selfish hooker for being jealous of my friends, and her response was classic. She said, "of course you're being selfish. If you weren't I'd know we weren't really sisters and that joke we told you about the milk man would have been true." Luckily, that inner "good person" voice eventually kicked in and I found away to stop being a Sourpuss Sally. I joined in the conversation, because the truth is, seeing my friends happy really does bring me tremendous joy. I want this for them and I'm happy they want to share this transition in their lives with me. They just better be ready to assign baby baring teams when it's my turn....even if they are going through menopause by that time.

Starting Out Fresh

Staring at this blank page, I first stretch my arms, flex my fingers and take a deep breath of relief. This is now my place to post all of my reflections on life, friendship and family. One of the basic exercises used in therapy sessions is journaling.  I have never agreed with a tactic more, but I also think reading about others going through similar situations and seeing how they handle it, is equally therapeutic. I'd like to think my 6 months of therapy sessions have dubbed me an honorary therapist worthy of your full attention and, of course, respect, but my ego is a smaller healthier size. Instead, I hope that I can find a community of other opinionated, independent and passionate friends to share my story with.

I have been writing my life reflections for a few years now. They started on a similar blog platform where my only followers were my mother, sister, best friend and maybe two other random people. Captivating audience huh? From there I transitioned into writing on my MySpace page (you know, the year and a half that was cool). Next came the inevitable move to Facebook. At that point, you could only have a Facebook page with a school email address so my audience was just friends, and only ones in school.  I had quite a bit of freedom to write about whatever I wanted, but didn't really take advantage of it. Little by little though, my friend list skyrocketed and now I have just as many posts in the draft folder as the published due to the filter I had to place on the subject matter. Before your mind even begins to drift to the not so morally sound side, I mean subject matter that is too honest, too true to life. Posts that involve family and friends that I'm sure would not like our conflict reflected on in such a public forum. So here I am. An anonymous writer talking about non specific relationships that none of my friends or family follow! This is the perfect forum now! I feel like I've been a Great Dane stuck in a English Bulldog's crate. The door is open and I fully intend to say everything I want to say.